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We can stick it in the freezer for later if the suspicious blue things aren't blue boba. I think we probably need to focus on talking if we're going to do this.
[ She doesn't know exactly what they're going to talk about. She's not.. really sure if he just wants to hang out and pretend nothing happened, or.. ]
[It's not an outright rejection, which is...less disappointing. He really should stay on topic though. How to approach the subject is difficult to figure out.
[ If they sort through this, she'll tell him about boba and bubble tea drinks. But for now, they have more important things to discuss. She takes him to one of the rooms with couches and sits down, folding her hands. ]
If I didn't want to hear what you have to say, I wouldn't have let you in the door.
[He adopts a similar position. His hands aren't folded, but he tries to make himself smaller, fidgeting with his hands and trying to ignore the way the surroundings aren't familiar. They aren't home and he's not a stranger, but only here because Weiss allowed him.]
You're going to have to so I can decide if I'm going at all.
[ She still doesn't look happy to see him, even if she's calmed down to let him in. If she had issues with trusting Jaune with this before, his reaction to her not telling him every detail made it worse. ]
[He sucks in a nervous breath.] Fair enough. But I'm going to be honest with you, so if you don't... If you don't like what I have to say, then--
[He shakes his head in frustration.] I'm tired of lying. You're right, I don't understand. I can't understand and I'll probably never be able to fully, because I don't know him like you do. There's no excuse for what I did and how I acted, but I was being selfish because of how I felt. Not because of you. Pretending that it was because I was worried about you isn't any more fair and just seems worse, so I'm just letting you know that I'm taking responsibility for it. I don't think you should feel bad for caring about your family. You've been doing all of this, mostly on your own, and you don't deserve that. Not on top of everything else. I don't expect or ask that you talk to me about it now, but...if you choose to, I'll try to listen.
[ She isn't sure that this is something she can talk to him about still. Maybe one day, but right now.. it just seems too fresh. It seems like every time he screws up, he apologizes, and she trusts him, and then the second she acts differently than he wants, this happens again. It felt like..
Weiss stays quiet for a moment. ]
If I don't confide in you, you make me feel bad about it. You make me feel like because I'm not perfect, it's my fault and I've done something wrong for being scared. I am scared, Jaune, and that wasn't about you. It wasn't about you at all. But last time I told you anything about my father, your immediate reaction was to treat him poorly. Yours and almost everyone else I cared about, instead of just treating him like you would anyone else, and all that tells him is that I made things difficult for him. That I'm the one who convinced you that he's a bad person, when all I did was ask that you trust me to know what I'm doing. You didn't trust me, and you didn't show me I could trust you, then you made me feel bad on top of everything else right now for not putting your needs first.
[ She straightens her back. It's hard to say this even if she has a load of practice being firm with Jaune. Because she does care about him, even if what he's been doing lately has been hurting her. It's funny because she kind of thinks that if he gave Jacques a chance, he might actually be able to understand where he was coming from. They both have been acting like they have dominion over some part of Weiss. ]
I get that it's hard to see someone you care about in pain- believe me, if you think I haven't noticed that you're still not even close to being okay, you're wrong. But if you want to talk to me, you will. I'm here to listen and I'll keep what you say in confidence, but you're not obligated to do that. I'm not going to corner you and force you to tell me unless it's something that's going to affect others and if you don't want to tell me, it'll hurt but I'll understand. You can't hold someone who's already drowning down further and expect them to breathe. Being there for someone is not the same as acting like you have a right to their feelings and you need to learn to respect that if you even want to have contact with me anymore.
[Jaune just listens. He doesn't say anything until Weiss is finished talking. His eyes drift to the ceiling and he tries taking in a breath. It just feels like they're going in circles. Almost their entire friendship is built on a tragedy, and maybe whatever happened before that is too damaged now to ever salvage.
He screws up, Weiss gets mad. He apologizes, she gives him another chance. It kind of hurts that she blames him for Jacques's own bad reaction. He stands back, someone gets hurt. He doesn't, and they still do.
He can't do anything right.]
When I said I didn't quit because of you, I meant it. I wasn't planning to quit that day, but I probably was going to soon. It doesn't make how I did it okay, or anything else acceptable, but I still, I don't know... I thought I should tell you that. I'm selfish and I hurt you. But I've never thought that your feelings are my right. The last person who... The last person who started distancing themselves died, and I've been scared ever since. It doesn't excuse what I did, but that's partly why I did it. I shouldn't have forced my own pain on you when it wasn't even the same, and I probably should have taken a step back or something before reacting.
I'm still scared, and I'm trying to get why you'd let someone so horrible affect your decisions, but I don't. I wouldn't be okay if he treated anyone that way, whether it was me or Blake or anyone we've met here. If you're already drowning, are we supposed to just stand around and wait?
[He's frowning, deeply. He's starting to see how their friendship follows the same patterns and it's too painful to even bring up, but maybe he's been holding onto it for the wrong reasons. If he's pushed Weiss to this point, maybe it's better for her--and him--if he steps back, because he sure as hell isn't doing the right thing now.]
Maybe... Maybe you shouldn't trust me, Weiss. Maybe I should just stay away from you. Because if I keep failing to respect you, then I'm not learning. I want to say I will, I want to fix it. But I don't know how.
[ Weiss listens to his words, not really sure where to start on them. She gets why he might've wanted to quit. Maybe that was what he wanted to tell her before the whole.. body swap mix-up. She doesn't know. She'll probably apologize for it later, but right now she wants to make something very clear. ]
I'm not Pyrrha, Jaune. I'm not going to run off knowing that I can't win because it's the right thing because I know that in the long run, I can protect more people alive. I can protect more people now, here, if I resigned from being City Guardian.
[ She takes a deep breath, then adds, because it's important to her that he understands. This isn't quitting. ]
I didn't quit, I did what I had to do to make sure that I don't become a monster in the process and that my father doesn't get everything he wants. I'm always going to love him- he's my father and he's my family and that's why I can't just cut him out of things here, and if I destroy him here then how does that make me any better than him? It isn't just good action, bad action. Good people do bad things and bad people do good things; both can become either. Right now, with my resignation, I'm choosing not to become a bad person. This is my decision, not his. His actions affect my decisions because he's in my life, just like you are, just like Mercury is and Garrus is and Sun is and so many others. Every decision I make is affected by what happens in my life and who is in it and who I want to be in the face of everything around me. I can't just ignore him because doing that would've been choosing to selfishly stay in a position I couldn't maintain the integrity of, because there's very little he has left to take from me but what he can is the most important thing I have- the people who stand by my side. Without power or money, he thinks they'll leave me. And before you say it, no this isn't some selfless leap into the pyre to protect my friends. It's avoiding the pointless drama and pain that would happen if I didn't and protecting Nova City from what I might do to avoid that pain if he cornered me instead of while it was under my control. I intend to prove him wrong, and I intend to find my own way now that he can't influence or hold dominion over. I depended on being City Guardian as much as I wanted people to depend on me for their protection, and I need to find out who I am without that if I want to find out who I can be when I can't run away from him to protect myself.
[ She leans back slightly in the chair, finally looking him in the eyes. It's still not a perfect explanation of her father and her relationship- nowhere near it, but she's hoping it helps him understand what she's doing-- that it's not running or cowering before him, it's changing strategies so she find a way to be happy. ]
To save a drowning person, you don't attack the person who pushed them in, Jaune. You throw them a life raft and it's their job to take it or leave it. I haven't stopped struggling to swim any more than I think what we have is unsalvageable. Avoiding me won't solve it, but you need to find a way to change your behavior. You need to find a way to do that, because I'm done letting men make me feel like less because I'm a person with my own feelings.
[He starts to try and speak, frowning apologetically, but the words remain unspoken and in his mind. I know you're not. It's something he needs to find a way to deal with on his own. Despite having some similarities, Weiss and Pyrrha are very different people. So why is he still terrified?
He stays quiet, not interrupting, reflecting over her explanation. Even at her worst, he doesn't think Weiss is capable of being that kind of person. But her words give him insight he didn't have before. He thinks he can understand loving your parents despite everything, though nothing he's had to deal with comes close to how Jacques has treated Weiss. He's still upset-- only at Jacques, for back Weiss into this corner, and at himself, for being a selfish, angry idiot. He had basically proven her father right with the way he'd reacted. It's always been simpler for him to think of good and bad people as separate entities. Weiss has given him a lot to think about.
He cautiously meets her eyes, expression raw. He doesn't think he even deserved an explanation, but Weiss gave him one. Their most recent conversation, and why Weiss had brought up their first decision, made more sense now. God, he had screwed up so much, hurting Weiss more when she was already injured. Glancing away from her, he leans forward nervously, before leaning back again.]
You're braver and smarter than me. But you probably knew that. [More firmly.] I will find a way. I don't know how yet, but...I'm going to. I have to. [He meets her eyes again.] Do you know what you're going to do next yet? About finding yourself and everything? Or are you thinking about just winging it?
[ It's hard to tell if she's teasing or insulting. She's still mad at him, but old habits die hard. Especially when you're the kind of person who keeps letting in people who hurt you, and keeps finding herself drawn to those who will- intentionally or accidentally. But she doesn't elaborate on it. She knows he can handle the insults. She's not exactly kind to him. ]
I'm glad you're going to try. [ She shakes her head. ] All I've wanted to do is protect people, I don't.. quite know what to do with myself now that that's not my role. I've mostly just been exercising a lot, and eating.
[He knows she's still mad, and he's taking this seriously, but it definitely would have been even more concerning if she hadn't insulted him. It gives him the feeling that he can get through this, even if he's going to have to work hard and face things he doesn't want to and has no idea how he'll manage.]
You're starting to sound more like me. [Frowning look he's just saying he's a teenage guy and he eats a lot.]
In my defense, it's because people keep coming over to comfort me. Dorian wanted to go swimming and drink, Nora brought me cake and we worked out and watched a movie, and then Fai opened up this cute coffee shop right outside the Guardian's office so I keep walking over there even though I don't work there anymore because Akira makes really good coffee.
I'm glad you have friends to help you out. [Who aren't colossal jerks which goes unspoken. When was the last time he hung out with anyone other than Weiss outside of work?]
For now I think "I'm going to go figure out what I need to do with myself" is the best thing to say.
[ She told him what she needs from him already, she's not sure hanging out is exactly what she wants right now. ]
I keep letting time and the words "I'm sorry" be the only factor in letting you back in. It's clearly not working that way. I need you to do something about it before we're going to spend normal time together, Jaune. I'm glad you realized that and are going to, but until you do.. chatting about new coffee shops and frozen yogurt is going to have to wait.
[His knuckles pale as he grips his knees.] Right. I'm going to go figure out what to do with myself. Take care of yourself, Weiss. And I know you're mad and I knew I deserve it, but I mean what I said. I'm glad you have other friends.
[He stands up.] I understand. But can I ask why? Why you kept letting me in. You don't have to answer now, or ever if you don't want to...I guess I was just wondering.
[ Despite saying that, she's still going to head over and open the door for him. ]
But you're also not treating me in an acceptable manner so as important as you are to me, I can't let that mean you're hurting me over and over again and expecting me to just bounce back and trust you a week later. That's not fair, and that's not right. [ She's holding the door open for him. ] So get yourself together and then we'll see what we can salvage.
...Yeah. Guess I am. [He's agreeing to both comments, that he is her friend (a terrible one) and a dolt. Definitely a dolt
He follows her to the door, listening to what she says. His eyes start to mist over, and he blinks, trying to hide it as he just stares at her wordlessly. He's not near tears because he's hurting over what he's done, even though he is, but because he's realizing what he's done and that Weiss has done more for him and forgiven him more than any person should. But he manages to force that reaction away, at least until he's no longer in front of her. His voice sounds a bit raw when he does speak.]
You're right. Thanks Weiss. [He shoves his hands in his pockets and starts to leave, brushing his hair (yes his hair) out of his eyes once his back is to her.] I'll talk to you later.
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[ She doesn't know exactly what they're going to talk about. She's not.. really sure if he just wants to hang out and pretend nothing happened, or.. ]
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[It's not an outright rejection, which is...less disappointing. He really should stay on topic though. How to approach the subject is difficult to figure out.
So he just dives into it.]
So let's talk. As long as that's what you want.
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If I didn't want to hear what you have to say, I wouldn't have let you in the door.
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I guess that's true. Should I go first?
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[ She still doesn't look happy to see him, even if she's calmed down to let him in. If she had issues with trusting Jaune with this before, his reaction to her not telling him every detail made it worse. ]
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[He shakes his head in frustration.] I'm tired of lying. You're right, I don't understand. I can't understand and I'll probably never be able to fully, because I don't know him like you do. There's no excuse for what I did and how I acted, but I was being selfish because of how I felt. Not because of you. Pretending that it was because I was worried about you isn't any more fair and just seems worse, so I'm just letting you know that I'm taking responsibility for it. I don't think you should feel bad for caring about your family. You've been doing all of this, mostly on your own, and you don't deserve that. Not on top of everything else. I don't expect or ask that you talk to me about it now, but...if you choose to, I'll try to listen.
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Weiss stays quiet for a moment. ]
If I don't confide in you, you make me feel bad about it. You make me feel like because I'm not perfect, it's my fault and I've done something wrong for being scared. I am scared, Jaune, and that wasn't about you. It wasn't about you at all. But last time I told you anything about my father, your immediate reaction was to treat him poorly. Yours and almost everyone else I cared about, instead of just treating him like you would anyone else, and all that tells him is that I made things difficult for him. That I'm the one who convinced you that he's a bad person, when all I did was ask that you trust me to know what I'm doing. You didn't trust me, and you didn't show me I could trust you, then you made me feel bad on top of everything else right now for not putting your needs first.
[ She straightens her back. It's hard to say this even if she has a load of practice being firm with Jaune. Because she does care about him, even if what he's been doing lately has been hurting her. It's funny because she kind of thinks that if he gave Jacques a chance, he might actually be able to understand where he was coming from. They both have been acting like they have dominion over some part of Weiss. ]
I get that it's hard to see someone you care about in pain- believe me, if you think I haven't noticed that you're still not even close to being okay, you're wrong. But if you want to talk to me, you will. I'm here to listen and I'll keep what you say in confidence, but you're not obligated to do that. I'm not going to corner you and force you to tell me unless it's something that's going to affect others and if you don't want to tell me, it'll hurt but I'll understand. You can't hold someone who's already drowning down further and expect them to breathe. Being there for someone is not the same as acting like you have a right to their feelings and you need to learn to respect that if you even want to have contact with me anymore.
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He screws up, Weiss gets mad. He apologizes, she gives him another chance. It kind of hurts that she blames him for Jacques's own bad reaction. He stands back, someone gets hurt. He doesn't, and they still do.
He can't do anything right.]
When I said I didn't quit because of you, I meant it. I wasn't planning to quit that day, but I probably was going to soon. It doesn't make how I did it okay, or anything else acceptable, but I still, I don't know... I thought I should tell you that. I'm selfish and I hurt you. But I've never thought that your feelings are my right. The last person who... The last person who started distancing themselves died, and I've been scared ever since. It doesn't excuse what I did, but that's partly why I did it. I shouldn't have forced my own pain on you when it wasn't even the same, and I probably should have taken a step back or something before reacting.
I'm still scared, and I'm trying to get why you'd let someone so horrible affect your decisions, but I don't. I wouldn't be okay if he treated anyone that way, whether it was me or Blake or anyone we've met here. If you're already drowning, are we supposed to just stand around and wait?
[He's frowning, deeply. He's starting to see how their friendship follows the same patterns and it's too painful to even bring up, but maybe he's been holding onto it for the wrong reasons. If he's pushed Weiss to this point, maybe it's better for her--and him--if he steps back, because he sure as hell isn't doing the right thing now.]
Maybe... Maybe you shouldn't trust me, Weiss. Maybe I should just stay away from you. Because if I keep failing to respect you, then I'm not learning. I want to say I will, I want to fix it. But I don't know how.
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I'm not Pyrrha, Jaune. I'm not going to run off knowing that I can't win because it's the right thing because I know that in the long run, I can protect more people alive. I can protect more people now, here, if I resigned from being City Guardian.
[ She takes a deep breath, then adds, because it's important to her that he understands. This isn't quitting. ]
I didn't quit, I did what I had to do to make sure that I don't become a monster in the process and that my father doesn't get everything he wants. I'm always going to love him- he's my father and he's my family and that's why I can't just cut him out of things here, and if I destroy him here then how does that make me any better than him? It isn't just good action, bad action. Good people do bad things and bad people do good things; both can become either. Right now, with my resignation, I'm choosing not to become a bad person. This is my decision, not his. His actions affect my decisions because he's in my life, just like you are, just like Mercury is and Garrus is and Sun is and so many others. Every decision I make is affected by what happens in my life and who is in it and who I want to be in the face of everything around me. I can't just ignore him because doing that would've been choosing to selfishly stay in a position I couldn't maintain the integrity of, because there's very little he has left to take from me but what he can is the most important thing I have- the people who stand by my side. Without power or money, he thinks they'll leave me. And before you say it, no this isn't some selfless leap into the pyre to protect my friends. It's avoiding the pointless drama and pain that would happen if I didn't and protecting Nova City from what I might do to avoid that pain if he cornered me instead of while it was under my control. I intend to prove him wrong, and I intend to find my own way now that he can't influence or hold dominion over. I depended on being City Guardian as much as I wanted people to depend on me for their protection, and I need to find out who I am without that if I want to find out who I can be when I can't run away from him to protect myself.
[ She leans back slightly in the chair, finally looking him in the eyes. It's still not a perfect explanation of her father and her relationship- nowhere near it, but she's hoping it helps him understand what she's doing-- that it's not running or cowering before him, it's changing strategies so she find a way to be happy. ]
To save a drowning person, you don't attack the person who pushed them in, Jaune. You throw them a life raft and it's their job to take it or leave it. I haven't stopped struggling to swim any more than I think what we have is unsalvageable. Avoiding me won't solve it, but you need to find a way to change your behavior. You need to find a way to do that, because I'm done letting men make me feel like less because I'm a person with my own feelings.
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He stays quiet, not interrupting, reflecting over her explanation. Even at her worst, he doesn't think Weiss is capable of being that kind of person. But her words give him insight he didn't have before. He thinks he can understand loving your parents despite everything, though nothing he's had to deal with comes close to how Jacques has treated Weiss. He's still upset-- only at Jacques, for back Weiss into this corner, and at himself, for being a selfish, angry idiot. He had basically proven her father right with the way he'd reacted. It's always been simpler for him to think of good and bad people as separate entities. Weiss has given him a lot to think about.
He cautiously meets her eyes, expression raw. He doesn't think he even deserved an explanation, but Weiss gave him one. Their most recent conversation, and why Weiss had brought up their first decision, made more sense now. God, he had screwed up so much, hurting Weiss more when she was already injured. Glancing away from her, he leans forward nervously, before leaning back again.]
You're braver and smarter than me. But you probably knew that. [More firmly.] I will find a way. I don't know how yet, but...I'm going to. I have to. [He meets her eyes again.] Do you know what you're going to do next yet? About finding yourself and everything? Or are you thinking about just winging it?
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[ It's hard to tell if she's teasing or insulting. She's still mad at him, but old habits die hard. Especially when you're the kind of person who keeps letting in people who hurt you, and keeps finding herself drawn to those who will- intentionally or accidentally. But she doesn't elaborate on it. She knows he can handle the insults. She's not exactly kind to him. ]
I'm glad you're going to try. [ She shakes her head. ] All I've wanted to do is protect people, I don't.. quite know what to do with myself now that that's not my role. I've mostly just been exercising a lot, and eating.
[ People keep bringing her pity food. ]
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[He knows she's still mad, and he's taking this seriously, but it definitely would have been even more concerning if she hadn't insulted him. It gives him the feeling that he can get through this, even if he's going to have to work hard and face things he doesn't want to and has no idea how he'll manage.]
You're starting to sound more like me. [Frowning look he's just saying he's a teenage guy and he eats a lot.]
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There's a cute coffee shop? Who's Akira?
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[ She's still mad at him for sure. ]
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[He hugs his arm, not even registering the name.]
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[ She told him what she needs from him already, she's not sure hanging out is exactly what she wants right now. ]
I keep letting time and the words "I'm sorry" be the only factor in letting you back in. It's clearly not working that way. I need you to do something about it before we're going to spend normal time together, Jaune. I'm glad you realized that and are going to, but until you do.. chatting about new coffee shops and frozen yogurt is going to have to wait.
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[He stands up.] I understand. But can I ask why? Why you kept letting me in. You don't have to answer now, or ever if you don't want to...I guess I was just wondering.
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[ Despite saying that, she's still going to head over and open the door for him. ]
But you're also not treating me in an acceptable manner so as important as you are to me, I can't let that mean you're hurting me over and over again and expecting me to just bounce back and trust you a week later. That's not fair, and that's not right. [ She's holding the door open for him. ] So get yourself together and then we'll see what we can salvage.
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He follows her to the door, listening to what she says. His eyes start to mist over, and he blinks, trying to hide it as he just stares at her wordlessly. He's not near tears because he's hurting over what he's done, even though he is, but because he's realizing what he's done and that Weiss has done more for him and forgiven him more than any person should. But he manages to force that reaction away, at least until he's no longer in front of her. His voice sounds a bit raw when he does speak.]
You're right. Thanks Weiss. [He shoves his hands in his pockets and starts to leave, brushing his hair (yes his hair) out of his eyes once his back is to her.] I'll talk to you later.
[And then he leaves.]